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spring is a good time to begin growing and digging for your garden, although preparation and planning can take place way before the snow melts.

gardeners spend most of the spring watering, weeding, and watching young plants grow.

similarly, women spend most of the springtime waxing and plucking and stripping and varnishing the 90% of our bodies that we started ignoring the second the temperature dipped low enough to put a sweater on them back in november, only to wake up one morning in early may with pollen in our lashes and six months' worth of gnarled, matted leg growth.

i'm writing this on the amtrak just outside of pontiac, illinois.

there is a woman flossing her teeth in the seat in front of mine. my feet look better in the winter than they do any other time of the year. because i'm your fucking grandmother, and i spend every pitch black morning choking on the dry radiator heat with a goddamned nosebleed while slathering my feet with this that i get at the logan square farmer's market. if you live in chicago you can also get it at the french market next to the stand with the almond macarons.

i am partial to the "woods" scent, so buy that and then smell yourself and it'll be just like we're having sex.

then i put on the softest thing that looks like a torture instrument from one of the saw movies, and THAT THING IS AMAZING.

i was scared of it at first, because i'm clumsy and didn't want to risk amputating one of my goddamned toes, but my gross hippie feet need a cheese grater, not a novelty pumice stone. but be careful, sister: YOU CAN BUST YOUR GODDAMNED TEETH OUT FUCKING WITH THIS SHIT.

Last modified 11-Jun-2015 11:07